Things to do

Brad from my last band had a habit of saying, "I've got nothing but time on my hands". I'd always stare back at him in amazement, as if no one could possibly be an adult and have spare time. At the time Ollie was a needy babe, waking me up several times a night and needing mommy all day as well. I was trying to teach violin lessons, Music Together baby and toddler music classes, be in the band playing the cello (which I don't play) and be mom, wife, friend, daughter, etc. without falling apart.

It's much better now that Ollie is more self-sufficient. But there's still always a million things to be done. Sometimes I feel like I'm trapped in an unending list of things to do- cleaning, organizing, planning, calling, researching, buying, maintaining, fixing, nurturing, creating, driving....To be Brad, single and with no work he has to take home? I still daydream about it.

Anyway, I managed to squeeze in some more practicing before band practice, and it went pretty well tonight. This is going to be a LOT of work, but I need to do it. And somehow, at the same time I will whittle that list down, little by little. NO FEAR!

Feeling better

Okay, 1am and I got some work done. Not the greatest practicing or writing, but I did it anyway. So much for going to bed early....and Mikel's crashed out on the couch. I'd been hoping to practice with him tonight but it was not to be. He's been bugging me for months- maybe even years- to go to bed with him at 10:30 so that we both get enough sleep and have some time to talk every night. As good as my intentions are, I just can't seem to do it! When would I have time to myself? When would I do my creative work? Surf the net? Do the dishes? Read? The fact that Ollie doesn't usually fall asleep until after 9 makes it even harder when I have to put him down.

Being a grown up is hard.

Grrrrr.....

Okay, so this is not so easy, being mommy/violin teacher/budding rock star. I guess I thought it would be easier now that Oliver's a little older and mostly sleeping through the night. It's still a bit hard to find the time to practice, despite my newfound fervor....

Last night I fell asleep putting Ollie to bed, and woke up next to him at 1:30am. Too late to work on music, as I'd planned. Then tonite he agreed to go to sleep by himself to earn a "blue doggie" (I sometimes cut shapes for him out of construction paper) and after lying there for 10 minutes talking and singing to himself, he gave up. This time I emerged at 11 pm. I'd been hoping to have some time to myself starting, oh, about 2 hours ago. I'm resentful and a bit scared that I will show up to rehearsal unprepared tomorrow. I did practice my lyrics in the car today but did some stupid driving as a result. Maybe I should stop writing this and go practice with the keyboard. That's the hardest part, playing and remembering what I'm supposed to sing at the same time.

Did I mention that being in this band is kind of terrifying?

Why?

My 2 year old would ask, and rightfully so.
I always thought blogs were kind of weird for people like me- nobodies as far as cyberspace is concerned. Who's vain enough to post their innermost thoughts online and who's bored enough to read them? Well, I guess me- and you.

I guess the time has come that I am exploding with ideas and have little available audience for them. Motherhood and the rest of reality sometimes suck that way. So I guess this is a way to get the demons out and hope that it will satisfy my expressive urges for now. This is really the last thing I SHOULD be doing right now- I should be sleeping, cleaning, planning, balancing my checkbook...but....well, all I can think of to say is "May the power of Christ compel you!"

I am suddenly being propelled out of complacency, by love, by desire, by hope. This band we started, these beautiful people that are so dear to me- we have created something that suddenly has awakened something in me. A sleeping dragon (benevolent, of course) that I'd forgotten was deep within.

I'll back up a little. My dear, disenchanted husband Mikel decided to walk the walk and actually get a band together. We gave up a date night to work on a tune with our dear genius chordsmith friend Don, and the blood started flowing back into our veins. (Mikel and I have been unhappily trying to get a life for many years. Parenthood put smiles on our faces but further reduced our days to endless unfinished tasks and dreams of sleeping.) A few days ago we got our dream crew together- Don on accordian/keys/brain, eclectic drumbeat John, Kurt on bari sax, Mikel on bass or baritone guitar (which I was inspired to get him for Father's Day after our session with Don). And me, I got to sing and play on a Wurlitzer keyboard that makes me sound groovy.

That rehearsal was incredible- everything just gelled, and an 11 yr old song that I had discarded suddenly came back to life as something beautiful. We all agreed that it was happenin', and scheduled another rehearsal. Mikel played me back a recording of the session, and we were awed. Since then, I've been obsessed-MUST PRACTICE, MUST WRITE. I'd forgotten how all-consuming it can be to do this. Not in an unhealthy way, but it just seeps into every part of my life.

Now, suddenly, I finally want to clean the house. Work out. Sew those curtains. Read a book. Hug my family. I'm alive again. Not just going through the motions and being tired for no good reason.

Today we went to a commitment ceremony for one of the most loving, compassionate couples I know- Catherine and Andrea. I got to play some Klezmer music with 2 wonderful new friends and the whole thing was so heartfelt and real and happy....Yesterday I went to a retirement luncheon for my former Music Together director (where I will be teaching again soon) and the energy was so pure and good, between all of us mom/musician/teacher folk. Being with all of this goodness just lifted me even higher into the clouds.

So watch out, world. I'm back!